My urge to post another entry is probably a sign that I'm not okay with the last one I posted.
P.S. The last one I posted (on another site) was "If anyone figures out a way to remember memories of love without wanting to kill yourself, let me know."
I was going to make this entry about how I'm working on my guitar, and getting closer to putting together a new one, and how I want to keep getting better so I can start building guitars and selling them. How I'm picking myself up and trying to go forward even though I'm feeling really awful lately.
This seems like a sign that I'm not accepting myself or my issues. I feel like it's not okay to feel depressed and upset. I already imagine people saying "get over it" and "you just have to move on with your life." I'm afraid of that criticism; that kind of criticism makes me feel angry and invalidated.
Ironically, I've internalized that to the point where I repress my own emotions. Other people have taught me that it's not okay to feel what I'm feeling, and I push things under the rug.
Like "Look at me, I'm being productive. I'm trying hard. I'm not complaining and I'm not depressed and I can take it. Nothing bothers me and I'm going to keep pushing ahead."
But that's not how I feel. If it was, I wouldn't be so conflicted all the time and have all these bipolar shifts from feeling excited and motivated to feeling like I want to kill myself.
I'm pushing my own emotions away. And I do have to realize that this is a result of my experiences with other people. Other people have judged me and criticized me enough throughout my life that I'm afraid to share my own emotions.
If I can keep reminding myself of this, maybe I'll be able to stop getting defensive. This whole time I've been thinking that my reaction was causing me pain. And it is. But the focus was on it being my fault. In reality, it's other people's fault.
Only when I realize that can I take responsibility. Then I can realize something like, "This person's saying something mean to me," or "this person's saying something abusive to me." I can recognize that that's their fault, not mine. Then I can choose to react in a way that doesn't cause pain.
I need to validate my own emotions and my own feelings. When other people have mistreated me, it was their fault. It wasn't my fault. They were just being mean to me.
I tend to blame myself for everything. I actually think I need to blame other people more. It's okay to hold other people responsible for their actions. For too long now I've been turning everything on myself and believing that other people's mistreatment of me was my fault.
Maybe it's because so many people have the opposite problem I do, that the general recommendation is "You need to take responsibility for yourself."
Well, buddy, I've been taking way more responsibility than that. I've been trying to be responsible for myself as well as other people. And I need to stop that.
And I can only be responsible for myself when I hold other people responsible for their actions. It's okay to hold other people responsible for the things they did to me.
Maybe a lot of my anger comes from trying to forgive before I've accepted. "Forgive and forget." Fuck that. That is bullshit. The first step is not forgive. The first step is to accept. You have to recognize that this person mistreated you. If you don't realize that, how can you forgive someone?
How can you forgive someone for something they didn't do? Because in your mind, if you don't hold them responsible, they'll have done nothing. You have to recognize that they did do something. And then the forgiveness can come after that.
I'll think about this more later. But I am feeling really depressed lately, and I've been having a really hard time. And that's okay. It's okay to have a hard time.
I have some serious thinking to do if I want to get out of this cycle. Feeling like it's not okay to feel my own feelings -- that's frustrating. And that's probably what a big part of the problem is.
I can't accept other people if I don't accept myself. Just like I can't love other people if I don't love myself. If I don't accept myself, I'll keep getting defensive and getting consumed with hatred and anger and revenge.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Another Long Entry
If I had a gun, I think I might shoot myself in the head. Or would I really? Maybe saying that is the only way I know how to communicate the pain I'm in. That's the reason, after all, I ended up in the mental hospital.
I was hospitalized two times in 5 years, once when I was 15 and once when I was 20. Both times, people thought I was going to kill myself, so they called for help. The first time it was a teacher I'd sent an e-mail to; the second time it was a friend who lives pretty far away that I sent an e-mail to.
The police came in and found me lying on the floor in my boxers and then made me go through my e-mails and show them what I'd sent. It was humiliating. And then to have them tell me not to overwhelm people like I did by sending messages like that. I was shaking like a leaf from having a panic attack the whole time.
It turns out that I showed them the wrong e-mail too. It was the draft of the e-mail I'd written where I basically said I was going to kill myself, which I sent to the junk folder and sent another message instead, remembering the mistake I made when I was 15 and sent a similar e-mail to my teacher. I wasn't going to make that same mistake, or at least that's what I thought. That was ironic.
Being strapped to an ambulance at 4 in the morning and having flashbacks to the exact same thing that happened 5 years ago was horrible. I had to wait in the emergency room from 5 in the morning until around 8 or 9 at night. I was trying to explain how everything was a misunderstanding, but no one would listen to me, as I expected.
When they took me to the mental hospital I was in a room with 3 women doctors and I again tried to explain that it was a misunderstanding. I explained everything as clearly as I could, and it was clear. I've never been more direct in my life. I even was so upset that I dropped my emotional barriers in front of people who looked like they were from an episode of the Twilight Zone.
I told them that my problem was that I communicated wrong. That I didn't know how to ask for help, and that I realized that now. That I wasn't suicidal, just like I don't think I was back when I was 15, and that all I wanted to do was just go home and call my friend and ask for a hug.
That was also humiliating. They just looked at me and told me they thought I needed medication, and then they told me my room was down the hall and to the left.
I had a fever and chills and diarrhea the whole time I was there. I also had to take something like 20 hours of psychological testing. Yes, the ink blot was included on that. I distinctly remember thinking that one of the blots looked like a baby dragon. It was really cute. I felt kind of pissed off that they kept asking me, "Why do you think this looks like a foot?" I'm trying to hold in the diarrhea and I feel like I'm about to explode, and I just had to bite my lip and speak politely while in my head I'm thinking "it looks like a fucking foot! What the hell, I don't know!"
It wasn't all bad. Physically it was hell and psychologically it was hell, but I connected with the other patients there.
I broke down and started writing a letter to my parents that I was going to give to them when I got out. It was a letter where I just talked about how I felt tortured emotionally and I felt really lonely, and I was upset that I didn't have a girl that cared about me or any affection in my life, and that that was why I was so angry all the time.
By the time I got out I'd gotten rid of it.
I don't know what I want. I just remember the feeling of desperation and helplessness. Kids locking me in closets when I was a kid, pushing wheelbarrows on top of me and sitting on them, my parents yelling at me and telling me I made life a living hell for them, my dad fighting with me, me hiding for hours under the staircase and running away and hiding in a bush for hours in someone else's yard.
I'm 23 years old. I've been living with this stuff my whole life. Sometimes I feel like I'm in hell. I try to talk about it at therapy but the focus is always on me being responsible for my own emotions, and the phrase "get over it" comes up more often than it needs to. I don't understand why a therapist would say that to anyone. I don't like it, but then it's about my problem, because I'm overreacting and being defensive. Then I wonder if I really am overreacting. That makes me feel bad and then I feel depressed, and then I feel like I shouldn't feel depressed. It's a total mindfuck.
What do I want? I don't know. It feels like someone locked me in my head and threw away the key. That's how it feels.
I don't know if it's so wrong to want affection from someone I love either. What's so wrong about that? Why is that implying that I'm 'victimizing myself'? I was abused growing up. I was a victim. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse for not trying to work on my problems. I've never done that.
I've complained a lot in my life, but it was because I didn't know how to communicate more directly. I didn't understand the concept of having a conversation or being considerate or anything, because I'd never done it. My experience growing up was yelling at my parents and getting yelled at back, being grounded all the time, getting picked on and physically abused and developing zero social skills.
It's not an excuse. But it isn't about blame. It's about love. It felt so fucking frustrating to feel like I was being such a selfish jerk who just complained about everything, but at the same time, not knowing how to change it. All I could come up with was to apologize to everyone. Apologize, apologize, apologize. Be socially inept and communicate poorly and then apologize for it, and then be left with no friends at all.
So went the cycle of self hatred and isolation. I hated myself because I felt like everyone else hated me. My parents told me I made life a living hell for them and that I was a pest, and I felt like everyone I would talk to thought the same thing about me. I would ask things like, "Am I bothering you?"
And it turns out that a lot of times, I was.
I still struggle with this now. This is my own journal entry. My own journal entry that no one is obligated to read. And yet the fact that I'm just sharing this online with people I don't know makes me feel guilty. I feel like somehow I'm being a burden on people.
I expect people to think I'm annoying, that I talk too much, that I write too much.
Stepping back, I can see that it doesn't mean anything. That's an invalid criticism. You aren't obligated to read anything I write. I'm writing this for myself. It's my journal. Why do I feel so defensive? I feel like people are always on the verge of attacking me.
I've snapped at people and lost friends that way. I don't mean to do it. I can be really mean and hurtful. But I do it because I feel threatened. Someone will say something and I think they're condescending to me, and it makes me really angry. Condescension pisses me off so much.
I feel so tired of this. How long have I been on this site? Writing about the same stuff.
I'm writing about the same stuff because nothing's changed at the core. The gap is still there. The void is still there. I'm trying to fill it myself, but it's starting to feel impossible.
I used to be obsessed with affection and romance. That's toned down and mellowed out now. But you know what's funny? Maybe it really was always the same.
I don't think I've ever been looking for someone to save me. I'm a smart guy. I'm not helpless. I've mastered a lot of skills and I've accomplished a lot of really impressive things, and I can function on my own. I respect myself for that and I take pride in that too.
But I'm also human. I feel so overwhelmed so much of the time. I've heard about almost everything under the sun as far as alternative medicine goes. I've been trying so hard.
I've been trying so hard, when maybe just having someone hold my hand would be able to relax me. I would always be holding my grandparents' hands, like my grandpa's, especially after he got really bad dementia and can't even function or process simple thoughts anymore, or remember who people are.
He responds randomly. You don't know what he'll do. But he'll grab your hand if you sit next to him. It's just human.
I don't know why I feel so closed off. It's really a horrible feeling. I've just been lying on the floor all day again lately. I feel like I have no energy at all and I'm feeling less and less able to help myself with nutrition.
Intimate human contact where I'm more than just a friend at a distance from someone, or an acquaintence...maybe we need that.
But at the same time I feel like I've closed myself off from it, like I won't allow anyone in. It's too hard to talk about. I don't know how to explain myself and then I shut down and I feel isolated again no matter where I am or who I'm with.
I'm trying to meditate and I'm trying to do everything I can. Is there any substitute for that kind of connection? Maybe not. Maybe that's just how it is.
Maybe there's nothing wrong with what I'm going through now. Maybe it's not that I'm failing to do anything. Maybe this is just a way to experience my own humanity.
I try to make sense out of it, but it all seems to fall to pieces and then I'm confused.
All these thoughts going around in my head are torturing me. I wouldn't be writing so much if I could relax. I type really fast but this takes a long time anyway to write all this out and think it out.
I have no other outlet. I just feel so frustrated and exhausted. I'd like to be talking to a real person face to face instead of writing on this screen.
I just try to accept my life as it is. I call people all the time but most of the time no one picks up. I really am trying to make more friends and I'm communicating way better than I ever have. It's hard being a college dropout working in a warehouse with people more than twice my age, and feeling so tired every day all I want to do when I get home from work is lie down.
This kind of writing won't stop, I don't think, until I find some peace of mind. I don't know how to find that. Maybe I need help. And not psychiatric help. Human help.
But I feel so closed off. It's so draining. You think this is a lot of writing. And it is. But how would you feel if you were me? My brain is doing this every hour of the day, every day of my life. I really am trying so hard to do what I can, but it feels like I have a hundred pound weight tied to my mental faculties.
Maybe I'm just overestimating the need for support. I don't know. And here we go again. I feel like I can't stop writing, can't stop thinking.
And the meditation is hard. Doing the work by myself is hard. Do I want to be with a woman because I have some kind of love addiction, or is it just because I've gone my whole life without being in a relationship?
Then I think that's not what I need. I've considered just staying celibate, and beyond that, committing to being celibate fully and just forgetting about women altogether.
I'm so sick of wrestling with myself over this. Just relax. Can I have that?
But I'm so resistant to it, because I want help with relaxing. Like holding my grandpa's hand. I've shared a ton of affection with other people. Is it wrong to want it for myself too?
To wrap this all up...I feel at least more in touch with myself now. All I have to do is not beat myself up for sharing this, for writing all this. I write it. I couldn't read all this. I just get it out, and I put it out here because it feels good to feel like someone could read it. It hurts to just write in a journal I know no one will read. I don't like that. It's okay, but I like this better. You never know who you'll reach, or in what way.
So if I don't judge myself for this...it's a success. This journal can be like that comforting hand. This is what's available right now. I can share my feelings here.
I don't have anyone here with me, but I have this website here with me. I have the people on this website. I can share my feelings. That's more than a lot of people can do. That's something to feel peace about. The only thing in the way of that is my judgment of myself -- me feeling like I'm somehow a bad person for sharing my feelings in my own journal.
I'm not a bad person for sharing my feelings. I'm a thoughtful and sensitive person with very strong emotions. I have a lot of passion and I have a lot of love to give. I'm strong for surviving through these emotional issues and not committing suicide. I'm strong for getting up every day and trying to take care of my body to the best of my ability. I went from cutting myself and starving myself and hating myself to taking care of my body and feeding myself and starting to learn how to love myself.
Sometimes I like listening to really emotional music that makes me cry. I tend to feel effeminate and weak for doing that, like I'm some kind of loser.
But I'm a sensitive person with powerful emotions. It's a good trait to have. I'm a good person.
I cringed a little at that. "I'm a good person." And I'm listening to a song from an anime that I found really emotional, and I feel like a loser for listening to that. There's a stigma with people who like anime. I don't like it in general. I like good ones. And I like the ones I like because they're so emotional and insightful and beautiful. The way the characters come across, and the relationships and interactions they have with each other.
But I feel so ashamed of that. I feel ashamed of crying to the point where I'll close the door and lock it when I do even when no one's home.
So I wrote a real lot, as usual. I have a lot on my mind. I still feel ashamed about that. That's something to work on accepting myself for.
I have work early in the morning. I should get going. Thanks for reading, even if it was just a couple sentences, and have a good night.
I was hospitalized two times in 5 years, once when I was 15 and once when I was 20. Both times, people thought I was going to kill myself, so they called for help. The first time it was a teacher I'd sent an e-mail to; the second time it was a friend who lives pretty far away that I sent an e-mail to.
The police came in and found me lying on the floor in my boxers and then made me go through my e-mails and show them what I'd sent. It was humiliating. And then to have them tell me not to overwhelm people like I did by sending messages like that. I was shaking like a leaf from having a panic attack the whole time.
It turns out that I showed them the wrong e-mail too. It was the draft of the e-mail I'd written where I basically said I was going to kill myself, which I sent to the junk folder and sent another message instead, remembering the mistake I made when I was 15 and sent a similar e-mail to my teacher. I wasn't going to make that same mistake, or at least that's what I thought. That was ironic.
Being strapped to an ambulance at 4 in the morning and having flashbacks to the exact same thing that happened 5 years ago was horrible. I had to wait in the emergency room from 5 in the morning until around 8 or 9 at night. I was trying to explain how everything was a misunderstanding, but no one would listen to me, as I expected.
When they took me to the mental hospital I was in a room with 3 women doctors and I again tried to explain that it was a misunderstanding. I explained everything as clearly as I could, and it was clear. I've never been more direct in my life. I even was so upset that I dropped my emotional barriers in front of people who looked like they were from an episode of the Twilight Zone.
I told them that my problem was that I communicated wrong. That I didn't know how to ask for help, and that I realized that now. That I wasn't suicidal, just like I don't think I was back when I was 15, and that all I wanted to do was just go home and call my friend and ask for a hug.
That was also humiliating. They just looked at me and told me they thought I needed medication, and then they told me my room was down the hall and to the left.
I had a fever and chills and diarrhea the whole time I was there. I also had to take something like 20 hours of psychological testing. Yes, the ink blot was included on that. I distinctly remember thinking that one of the blots looked like a baby dragon. It was really cute. I felt kind of pissed off that they kept asking me, "Why do you think this looks like a foot?" I'm trying to hold in the diarrhea and I feel like I'm about to explode, and I just had to bite my lip and speak politely while in my head I'm thinking "it looks like a fucking foot! What the hell, I don't know!"
It wasn't all bad. Physically it was hell and psychologically it was hell, but I connected with the other patients there.
I broke down and started writing a letter to my parents that I was going to give to them when I got out. It was a letter where I just talked about how I felt tortured emotionally and I felt really lonely, and I was upset that I didn't have a girl that cared about me or any affection in my life, and that that was why I was so angry all the time.
By the time I got out I'd gotten rid of it.
I don't know what I want. I just remember the feeling of desperation and helplessness. Kids locking me in closets when I was a kid, pushing wheelbarrows on top of me and sitting on them, my parents yelling at me and telling me I made life a living hell for them, my dad fighting with me, me hiding for hours under the staircase and running away and hiding in a bush for hours in someone else's yard.
I'm 23 years old. I've been living with this stuff my whole life. Sometimes I feel like I'm in hell. I try to talk about it at therapy but the focus is always on me being responsible for my own emotions, and the phrase "get over it" comes up more often than it needs to. I don't understand why a therapist would say that to anyone. I don't like it, but then it's about my problem, because I'm overreacting and being defensive. Then I wonder if I really am overreacting. That makes me feel bad and then I feel depressed, and then I feel like I shouldn't feel depressed. It's a total mindfuck.
What do I want? I don't know. It feels like someone locked me in my head and threw away the key. That's how it feels.
I don't know if it's so wrong to want affection from someone I love either. What's so wrong about that? Why is that implying that I'm 'victimizing myself'? I was abused growing up. I was a victim. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse for not trying to work on my problems. I've never done that.
I've complained a lot in my life, but it was because I didn't know how to communicate more directly. I didn't understand the concept of having a conversation or being considerate or anything, because I'd never done it. My experience growing up was yelling at my parents and getting yelled at back, being grounded all the time, getting picked on and physically abused and developing zero social skills.
It's not an excuse. But it isn't about blame. It's about love. It felt so fucking frustrating to feel like I was being such a selfish jerk who just complained about everything, but at the same time, not knowing how to change it. All I could come up with was to apologize to everyone. Apologize, apologize, apologize. Be socially inept and communicate poorly and then apologize for it, and then be left with no friends at all.
So went the cycle of self hatred and isolation. I hated myself because I felt like everyone else hated me. My parents told me I made life a living hell for them and that I was a pest, and I felt like everyone I would talk to thought the same thing about me. I would ask things like, "Am I bothering you?"
And it turns out that a lot of times, I was.
I still struggle with this now. This is my own journal entry. My own journal entry that no one is obligated to read. And yet the fact that I'm just sharing this online with people I don't know makes me feel guilty. I feel like somehow I'm being a burden on people.
I expect people to think I'm annoying, that I talk too much, that I write too much.
Stepping back, I can see that it doesn't mean anything. That's an invalid criticism. You aren't obligated to read anything I write. I'm writing this for myself. It's my journal. Why do I feel so defensive? I feel like people are always on the verge of attacking me.
I've snapped at people and lost friends that way. I don't mean to do it. I can be really mean and hurtful. But I do it because I feel threatened. Someone will say something and I think they're condescending to me, and it makes me really angry. Condescension pisses me off so much.
I feel so tired of this. How long have I been on this site? Writing about the same stuff.
I'm writing about the same stuff because nothing's changed at the core. The gap is still there. The void is still there. I'm trying to fill it myself, but it's starting to feel impossible.
I used to be obsessed with affection and romance. That's toned down and mellowed out now. But you know what's funny? Maybe it really was always the same.
I don't think I've ever been looking for someone to save me. I'm a smart guy. I'm not helpless. I've mastered a lot of skills and I've accomplished a lot of really impressive things, and I can function on my own. I respect myself for that and I take pride in that too.
But I'm also human. I feel so overwhelmed so much of the time. I've heard about almost everything under the sun as far as alternative medicine goes. I've been trying so hard.
I've been trying so hard, when maybe just having someone hold my hand would be able to relax me. I would always be holding my grandparents' hands, like my grandpa's, especially after he got really bad dementia and can't even function or process simple thoughts anymore, or remember who people are.
He responds randomly. You don't know what he'll do. But he'll grab your hand if you sit next to him. It's just human.
I don't know why I feel so closed off. It's really a horrible feeling. I've just been lying on the floor all day again lately. I feel like I have no energy at all and I'm feeling less and less able to help myself with nutrition.
Intimate human contact where I'm more than just a friend at a distance from someone, or an acquaintence...maybe we need that.
But at the same time I feel like I've closed myself off from it, like I won't allow anyone in. It's too hard to talk about. I don't know how to explain myself and then I shut down and I feel isolated again no matter where I am or who I'm with.
I'm trying to meditate and I'm trying to do everything I can. Is there any substitute for that kind of connection? Maybe not. Maybe that's just how it is.
Maybe there's nothing wrong with what I'm going through now. Maybe it's not that I'm failing to do anything. Maybe this is just a way to experience my own humanity.
I try to make sense out of it, but it all seems to fall to pieces and then I'm confused.
All these thoughts going around in my head are torturing me. I wouldn't be writing so much if I could relax. I type really fast but this takes a long time anyway to write all this out and think it out.
I have no other outlet. I just feel so frustrated and exhausted. I'd like to be talking to a real person face to face instead of writing on this screen.
I just try to accept my life as it is. I call people all the time but most of the time no one picks up. I really am trying to make more friends and I'm communicating way better than I ever have. It's hard being a college dropout working in a warehouse with people more than twice my age, and feeling so tired every day all I want to do when I get home from work is lie down.
This kind of writing won't stop, I don't think, until I find some peace of mind. I don't know how to find that. Maybe I need help. And not psychiatric help. Human help.
But I feel so closed off. It's so draining. You think this is a lot of writing. And it is. But how would you feel if you were me? My brain is doing this every hour of the day, every day of my life. I really am trying so hard to do what I can, but it feels like I have a hundred pound weight tied to my mental faculties.
Maybe I'm just overestimating the need for support. I don't know. And here we go again. I feel like I can't stop writing, can't stop thinking.
And the meditation is hard. Doing the work by myself is hard. Do I want to be with a woman because I have some kind of love addiction, or is it just because I've gone my whole life without being in a relationship?
Then I think that's not what I need. I've considered just staying celibate, and beyond that, committing to being celibate fully and just forgetting about women altogether.
I'm so sick of wrestling with myself over this. Just relax. Can I have that?
But I'm so resistant to it, because I want help with relaxing. Like holding my grandpa's hand. I've shared a ton of affection with other people. Is it wrong to want it for myself too?
To wrap this all up...I feel at least more in touch with myself now. All I have to do is not beat myself up for sharing this, for writing all this. I write it. I couldn't read all this. I just get it out, and I put it out here because it feels good to feel like someone could read it. It hurts to just write in a journal I know no one will read. I don't like that. It's okay, but I like this better. You never know who you'll reach, or in what way.
So if I don't judge myself for this...it's a success. This journal can be like that comforting hand. This is what's available right now. I can share my feelings here.
I don't have anyone here with me, but I have this website here with me. I have the people on this website. I can share my feelings. That's more than a lot of people can do. That's something to feel peace about. The only thing in the way of that is my judgment of myself -- me feeling like I'm somehow a bad person for sharing my feelings in my own journal.
I'm not a bad person for sharing my feelings. I'm a thoughtful and sensitive person with very strong emotions. I have a lot of passion and I have a lot of love to give. I'm strong for surviving through these emotional issues and not committing suicide. I'm strong for getting up every day and trying to take care of my body to the best of my ability. I went from cutting myself and starving myself and hating myself to taking care of my body and feeding myself and starting to learn how to love myself.
Sometimes I like listening to really emotional music that makes me cry. I tend to feel effeminate and weak for doing that, like I'm some kind of loser.
But I'm a sensitive person with powerful emotions. It's a good trait to have. I'm a good person.
I cringed a little at that. "I'm a good person." And I'm listening to a song from an anime that I found really emotional, and I feel like a loser for listening to that. There's a stigma with people who like anime. I don't like it in general. I like good ones. And I like the ones I like because they're so emotional and insightful and beautiful. The way the characters come across, and the relationships and interactions they have with each other.
But I feel so ashamed of that. I feel ashamed of crying to the point where I'll close the door and lock it when I do even when no one's home.
So I wrote a real lot, as usual. I have a lot on my mind. I still feel ashamed about that. That's something to work on accepting myself for.
I have work early in the morning. I should get going. Thanks for reading, even if it was just a couple sentences, and have a good night.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sore Feet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBBFDb0hC4Y
To me, this is a song sung by someone who wants to commit suicide, but chooses to stay alive and endure for all the people he hasn't met yet that he wants to give hope to -- the people he hasn't met yet who've given up on life and have no hope left for anything. It's my favorite way of thinking of this song and it completely transforms it for me. Someday I'd like to write a book or something based on this story, and if I can't, maybe I'll find a way to make my life into that story.
"I walked ten thousand miles, ten thousand miles to see you
And every gasp of breath, I grabbed at just to find you
I climbed up every hill to get to you
I wandered ancient lands to hold just you
And every single step of the way, I pay
Every single night and day
I searched for you
Through sandstorms and hazy dawns I reached for you
I stole ten thousand pounds, ten thousand pounds to see you
I robbed convenience stores 'cause I thought they'd make it easier
I lived off rats and toads, and I starved for you
I fought off giant bears and I killed them too
And every single step of the way, I pay
Every single night and day
I searched for you
Through sandstorms and hazy dawns I reached for you
I'm tired and I'm weak, but I'm strong for you
I want to go home, but my love gets me through"
To me, this is a song sung by someone who wants to commit suicide, but chooses to stay alive and endure for all the people he hasn't met yet that he wants to give hope to -- the people he hasn't met yet who've given up on life and have no hope left for anything. It's my favorite way of thinking of this song and it completely transforms it for me. Someday I'd like to write a book or something based on this story, and if I can't, maybe I'll find a way to make my life into that story.
"I walked ten thousand miles, ten thousand miles to see you
And every gasp of breath, I grabbed at just to find you
I climbed up every hill to get to you
I wandered ancient lands to hold just you
And every single step of the way, I pay
Every single night and day
I searched for you
Through sandstorms and hazy dawns I reached for you
I stole ten thousand pounds, ten thousand pounds to see you
I robbed convenience stores 'cause I thought they'd make it easier
I lived off rats and toads, and I starved for you
I fought off giant bears and I killed them too
And every single step of the way, I pay
Every single night and day
I searched for you
Through sandstorms and hazy dawns I reached for you
I'm tired and I'm weak, but I'm strong for you
I want to go home, but my love gets me through"
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mind all over the place
I started this blog writing about suicide. I'm still struggling with this. I don't know if I'll ever really 'get over it' -- I've been living with the urge to commit suicide, on and off, for over 10 years. It's a struggle that continuously comes up and I don't know if that war will ever be really over.
I want to live for you. My invisible audience. My invisible audience here, and the invisible audience in my in-person life: the people who know me, but don't really know me. The people who see me every day but don't know what I'm struggling with.
How would overcoming anything help them? I don't know. It's all about not knowing, and just believing. There's still senseless, reasonless compassion somewhere inside me, past all the callouses. And there're lots of those. But the compassion doesn't need a reason. Love doesn't need a reason.
I read about someone who committed suicide recently, and it made me sad. I played FFVI recently, and Celes attempts suicide in one part. That also made me sad. It just woke me up to a part of humanity I've forgotten about after being in survival mode for so long.
This is really difficult, because of my emotional blockages and isolation. I don't have a lot of reminders of this love. And the ones I do, I'm not willing to look at. I don't know why. I've closed myself off, or my experiences have closed me off, and I feel like I'm giving up on trying.
Long story short...my mind is pretty tormented, and while I only understand how I feel because I can only be myself, I've struggled with these issues. I want to give hope to people. That's why I write here. I want to be a beacon of hope for people.
I've quit porn and masturbation. We'll see how that goes. Those can become addictions very easily. That adds another dimension here. It's very difficult. Especially since porn/masturbation addiction is tied to sexuality, which is tied to identity. I struggle a lot with sexual repression. I only know how to let go and go on porn and masturbate as much as I want, or go completely celibate and repress myself. I don't know a middle path yet. That makes for a pretty turbulent life. There isn't a moment of peace.
This adds to it. I'm just going on and on now. I apologize. I want to give you hope. Hopefully my going off topic will help you feel a little better about yourself, if you feel like you're the only one with racing thoughts, or not being able to think clearly, or things like that.
I want to give you hope. That's why I'm alive. I'm trying as hard as I can to believe that. Just being alive is affecting the fabric of reality around me. I want to put positive intentions out because I believe in love, even though I've closed myself off to it in a lot of ways.
This is my way of loving. Writing to an invisible audience. It's so little, but it's something. I'm not like other people who go out and actively help other people and do all these kinds of things. I feel too weak for that. My health isn't that great and I don't have energy to do much of anything these days except work 8 to 12 hours a week and go grocery shopping, and cook for myself -- and nothing fancy. I'm 22 years old. I don't know how this happened and why I feel so completely exhausted all the time.
But that's where RBTI comes in, and the research on nutrition in general. That's another topic.
I wonder where the world's headed. I'm kind of worried. But I want to just feel love. I want to be in that vibrational state. A lot of things are dragging me down and I'm feeling pretty hopeless and depressed and exhausted, and I've been thinking about suicide a lot.
But I want to give you hope. Just by being alive. Just by choosing to live. I don't have anything to live for right now other than making the choice to live. That's worth living for. Making the choice to live is worth living for.
Making the choice to live is worth living for. I like that. And that's what I'm doing. Making the choice to live. That's the biggest step I can take right now. And that's okay. I want to give hope to people. I want to feel it and I want to embody it.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Night
I seem to have been alternating between periods of: thinking the idea of love and beauty in life and all the people who talk about it are retarded, and getting really emotional and crying because I understand what they're talking about. Maybe I'm just afraid of loving people because I don't feel like I can cope with the feeling I get when I remember that nothing lasts forever.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Talk to Yourself
Why are you feeling so upset? What happened to you that made you feel this way? And what exactly is it that you're feeling right now? Can you explain it to me in detail?
I ask myself these things when I'm upset. And especially when I'm upset and don't know why. And 'upset' could range from be me being pissed off to the point of having really violent revenge fantasies, to feeling extremely anxious and unable to think clearly -- and everything in-between.
It's offering compassion to yourself. I've found today that my anxiety, which was bordering on complete panic, almost immediately went away when I asked myself these questions. I brought my attention to the fact that I was suffering, and focused on having compassion for myself.
I was feeling upset because someone the other day (once again) told me to "just let it go." Then it occurred to me that I can't just let things go, because I have nagging unmet needs, and I don't feel right until I know what those needs are. And it can take some time to figure that out.
Otherwise I feel like I'm just sending myself to my room and ignoring myself because I can't deal with myself, and then the frustration just gets exponentially worse from there -- which is exactly the dynamic I grew up with in my family.
There's a reason I tend to get so upset and hysterical and defensive when people tell me "just get over it," or "just let it go," or "you just have to move on with your life."
If a dad can't deal with his son's emotional outbursts and he sends him to his room, and moves on with his life by just going fishing or starting a new project in the house, is that really confronting and healing the problem? While he's moved on with his life, that kid is still screaming his head off and breaking things and just going haywire. Did that solve the problem?
The idea of "just moving on with your life" can send a really negative message to yourself. It can send the message of "you're not worth my time" and "your feelings aren't important."
How would you feel if someone said to you, "Sorry, but I have better things to do with my time than listening to you complain about your feelings."
You're worth your time, and to think that listening to your own feelings is a waste of time speaks volumes about your relationship with yourself. Not acknowledging that you need love and compassion and support is a red flag.
Next time you're upset, try taking a step back and asking yourself, "Why are you feeling so awful?" And then think about it. Let yourself explain it to you. Be that person for yourself that will really, completely listen to you, without judging you.
You might notice some patterns and connections eventually, and noticing those will help you to identify why you're feeling what you're feeling. And when you know why, it's easier to work through. You can communicate your feelings a lot more clearly to other people when you know what those feelings are and why you're having them.
This might be obvious to a lot of people, but I tend to get really upset and have no idea why. And it just gets worse and worse because I'm getting more and more upset and I'm not even clear about what I'm upset about.
It's like I'm split into two people: one of me is the parent who's reading about nutrition or working on a guitar in the basement, while the other part of me is the kid who's screaming and breaking everything in his room.
So the idea with this is to go up to your figurative room that the other part of you is in, and talk to yourself, instead of "just moving on with your life" and sweeping everything under the rug as if it didn't exist. You're worth your time.
I ask myself these things when I'm upset. And especially when I'm upset and don't know why. And 'upset' could range from be me being pissed off to the point of having really violent revenge fantasies, to feeling extremely anxious and unable to think clearly -- and everything in-between.
It's offering compassion to yourself. I've found today that my anxiety, which was bordering on complete panic, almost immediately went away when I asked myself these questions. I brought my attention to the fact that I was suffering, and focused on having compassion for myself.
I was feeling upset because someone the other day (once again) told me to "just let it go." Then it occurred to me that I can't just let things go, because I have nagging unmet needs, and I don't feel right until I know what those needs are. And it can take some time to figure that out.
Otherwise I feel like I'm just sending myself to my room and ignoring myself because I can't deal with myself, and then the frustration just gets exponentially worse from there -- which is exactly the dynamic I grew up with in my family.
There's a reason I tend to get so upset and hysterical and defensive when people tell me "just get over it," or "just let it go," or "you just have to move on with your life."
If a dad can't deal with his son's emotional outbursts and he sends him to his room, and moves on with his life by just going fishing or starting a new project in the house, is that really confronting and healing the problem? While he's moved on with his life, that kid is still screaming his head off and breaking things and just going haywire. Did that solve the problem?
The idea of "just moving on with your life" can send a really negative message to yourself. It can send the message of "you're not worth my time" and "your feelings aren't important."
How would you feel if someone said to you, "Sorry, but I have better things to do with my time than listening to you complain about your feelings."
You're worth your time, and to think that listening to your own feelings is a waste of time speaks volumes about your relationship with yourself. Not acknowledging that you need love and compassion and support is a red flag.
Next time you're upset, try taking a step back and asking yourself, "Why are you feeling so awful?" And then think about it. Let yourself explain it to you. Be that person for yourself that will really, completely listen to you, without judging you.
You might notice some patterns and connections eventually, and noticing those will help you to identify why you're feeling what you're feeling. And when you know why, it's easier to work through. You can communicate your feelings a lot more clearly to other people when you know what those feelings are and why you're having them.
This might be obvious to a lot of people, but I tend to get really upset and have no idea why. And it just gets worse and worse because I'm getting more and more upset and I'm not even clear about what I'm upset about.
It's like I'm split into two people: one of me is the parent who's reading about nutrition or working on a guitar in the basement, while the other part of me is the kid who's screaming and breaking everything in his room.
So the idea with this is to go up to your figurative room that the other part of you is in, and talk to yourself, instead of "just moving on with your life" and sweeping everything under the rug as if it didn't exist. You're worth your time.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Positive Messages
These are baby steps. I want to respond to the overwhelmingly painful thoughts and emotions I have with positive messages. These are some I thought of tonight.
Situation and Reaction: Having trouble figuring out how to do something. Feeling obsessive and anxious. Can't let it go, and don't know why. It doesn't feel good to think about how to solve the problem -- it's stressful.
Positive Reinforcement: I enjoy challenges. I'm confident that I'm going to meet these challenges. I know it's only a matter of time before I figure it out. The process of figuring it out is a lot of fun and it's very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
Situation and Reaction: I'm unhappy with how a lot of relationships ended. I wish people that aren't in my life anymore were still in my life. I wish things didn't end the way they did. I feel angry at people and I feel angry at myself. I feel shame and humiliation and I also feel rage and resentment.
Positive Reinforcement: I did the best I could, and they did the best they could. We interacted and connected the only way we knew how to. I've learned a lot from all these relationships with people, and all this experience helps me to form healthy relationships with new people as well as with my own self.
Situation and Reaction: I feel attached to my past. I feel like all the bad memories are why I am who I am. I feel like all the pain I've been through is like a badge, and if I take that badge off, I won't be me anymore. I'm afraid of being happy or feeling good because then I feel like I'll be another person.
Positive Reinforcement: I've always been me, and I always will be me. Me is all I can ever be and all I've ever been. I feel grounded.
Situation and Reaction: I feel like a little kid lost in the mall. I feel deeply attached to people who are no longer in my life. I feel helpless and weak and scared and alone. Everyone looks like a stranger.
Positive Reinforcement: People have felt the same way I do. I'm connected to everyone. I have compassion for myself and I have compassion for other people. I love myself and I love other people.
Situation and Reaction: Having trouble figuring out how to do something. Feeling obsessive and anxious. Can't let it go, and don't know why. It doesn't feel good to think about how to solve the problem -- it's stressful.
Positive Reinforcement: I enjoy challenges. I'm confident that I'm going to meet these challenges. I know it's only a matter of time before I figure it out. The process of figuring it out is a lot of fun and it's very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
Situation and Reaction: I'm unhappy with how a lot of relationships ended. I wish people that aren't in my life anymore were still in my life. I wish things didn't end the way they did. I feel angry at people and I feel angry at myself. I feel shame and humiliation and I also feel rage and resentment.
Positive Reinforcement: I did the best I could, and they did the best they could. We interacted and connected the only way we knew how to. I've learned a lot from all these relationships with people, and all this experience helps me to form healthy relationships with new people as well as with my own self.
Situation and Reaction: I feel attached to my past. I feel like all the bad memories are why I am who I am. I feel like all the pain I've been through is like a badge, and if I take that badge off, I won't be me anymore. I'm afraid of being happy or feeling good because then I feel like I'll be another person.
Positive Reinforcement: I've always been me, and I always will be me. Me is all I can ever be and all I've ever been. I feel grounded.
Situation and Reaction: I feel like a little kid lost in the mall. I feel deeply attached to people who are no longer in my life. I feel helpless and weak and scared and alone. Everyone looks like a stranger.
Positive Reinforcement: People have felt the same way I do. I'm connected to everyone. I have compassion for myself and I have compassion for other people. I love myself and I love other people.
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